30 July 2007

In a Funkin' Funk

Lately, not much is making me happy.

Never mind my neighbors. It goes way past them.

It's more everything. It's the wedding, it's adjusting to life, living with someone. It's everything.

Mark and I seem to quibble (not really fighting, it's more like pointless fighting.) About stupid stuff. Like the wedding invitations. And the cake. Oh....what a pointless fight we had about the cake. And the flowers? Yeah, I almost forgot. LOVELY discussions that have been had about the flowers.

I dunno. I thought planning a smaller wedding might be easier. I thought pretty much everything might be easier, but it's not. I want everything to be perfect. I want everyone to be happy. Including us. I don't want anyone to say "I can't believe she did that" or "Why didn't she do this?". I am so scared of what everyone thinks. My mom. His mom. Both are good, well-intentioned people who really don't want to be mean. But I want everyone to be happy. To the point where I don't care if I am happy anymore. I am now finding it hard for me to enjoy this.

I think about the wedding - and how we promised to only invite our closest friends. I invited 2. Mark invited 9. I don't have any more close friends than that. I have friends, but not more than 2 close friends. That's so pitiful. I wonder why? Is it me? Do I suck as a person? Am I a crappy friend?

Sometimes, when you combine everything, I feel like I am swimming against a strong current and am not making any headway. At all.

It's so easy to think "I will just blow this off" or "don't let them bother me". But I can't. I don't know how to do that. I want everyone to be happy. I want everyone to think "wow....what a great job they did, what a great job SHE did". I want everyone to be awed and stunned. I want everyone to have fun.

But the problem is, when I am trying to do all these things, I am ruining the fun for me, and the fun for Mark. Which bothers me most of all.

I don't know how to do everything. I don't know how to make me happy, him happy and everyone else happy.

I feel like I have forgotten how to swim.


Jane said...

I wish Texas wasn't so far from Long Island. I would bring a bottle of wine over and we could just sit with our feet up and forget about wedding-related and kid-related and job-related crap for a couple of hours.
I guess it'll just have to be virtual Chardonnay. Or whatever you prefer.

Heather said...

Honey, you need to get rid of that 'make everyone happy' thing. The only ones who matter are you and Mark. Tell everyone that you are doing what you both want and if they don't like it, don't come. It may sound mean, but this is your party and you can cry if you want to. none of the little details will matter afterwards.

~JJ! said...

When we were planning our wedding, we hardly gave anyone else a thought. it was all about us. If they came to our wedding and if they enjoyed themselves great...if not...we had fun.

Turns out people are still talking about how great our wedding was....6 years later.

I hope you figure it all out...It's your day. Make it so.

AJsMom said...

Amen to what Heather said. This isn't about anyone but you and Mark. That entire day will go by in a blur anyway, so the wedding is just a means to an end. Just a sign that you and Mark want to be together.

Heather Alexander Beam said...

Sweetie, please try to relax and enjoy this. This is only about you and Mark. Most people understand that with a wedding, it's about the bride and groom. Hopefully the people attending your wedding will understand that too. If they don't, screw 'em. If you're relaxed and enjoying yourself, then everybody else will have a wonderful time too!

Karmyn R said...

I think weddings do this to even the most stout hearted people. As soon as the wedding ceremony is over, you will feel an immense relief.... and all that stress will be gone!!!

(Plus - it takes a while to readjust to all the changes in your life. Give yourself some time)

wordgirl said...

Heather's right. Forget everyone else. It's about you and Mark and the new life you'll have together.

Jessica said...

Sign me up on the make yourself happy train. You are creating a memory for you and Mark, because you two are really the only ones who are going to be looking back on the day regularly. I think if you two are having a great time, it's going to be contagious. I'm a people pleaser, too, so I know it's hard to let go of that. But just think of it this way...this is the one day that you can unapologetically try to please only the bride and groom!!!

Gina said...

I am so sorry you are feeling this way. Wedding planning can be so stressful. I wish I could just say, "relax!" but it's never that easy. Remember, the wedding is just the first day of the rest of your life together, not the end-all be-all.

Phoenix said...

Yup, yup, what everyone else said. But maybe you should only try and make you and Mark happy and forget the rest of them. In all honesty, they will be happy if you are, becuase it's suposed to be about you.

And swimming can be tough...try holding onto the edge, It might make you feel better. Ask for help, because most people will help. Hell, I'd help if I could. Want to send me something to do? I'm good at planning.