16 September 2007

Open Letter to ALL of my neighbors

To Whom It May Concern:

1. Whichever one of you across the street from me who has a rooster. IT'S NOT CUTE. I feel bad for the creature. It does it's cock-a-doodle-doo ALL THE DAMN TIME. It's clearly confused. Shut it the hell up. I have called the neighborhood association on you (and yes, they want me to report which house specifically has it. I guess I have to knock on doors and say "pardon me, do you have the farm animal in our clearly suburban neighborhood which is clearly against our deed restrictions so I can report you?). Your rooster is not smart. Please take it to someone's house far, far away.

2. To my darling next door neighbors...I appreciate the fact that you are clearly interested in physical fitness by putting up a volleyball net. However, let me enlighten you to the following:
a. Starting a family tournament at 8am on Sunday, to which there is massive screaming and yelling is NOT cute.
b. Ringing our doorbell NO LESS than 6 times a day (I promise, not an exaggeration) because someone SUCKS at volleyball and hits it over into our backyard is NOT cute. Most evenings I am home by 6. If my doorbell rings 6 times between then and my bedtime, you need volleyball lessons.
c. Directly related to "b" - ringing our doorbell at 8:07 am on a Sunday when I am in my jammies and expecting me to get my happy butt off my couch (and away from my weekend marathon of the 4th season of Nip/Tuck) is NOT cute
d. Coming into MY backyard when I am not home is TRESPASSING. This is Texas. I have the right to physically remove you from my backyard. You will NOT like that.
e. Coming into MY backyard when I am not home and leaving the gate OPEN is asking for you to suffer immense physical pain if my dog gets out and something happens to her. I will beat you. Then when you heal, I will beat you again. Come to think of it, I will not even wait for you to heal. I will just wait for you to stop bleeding.

3. If I am watering my grass and it is interruping your stupid-ass soccer game and you touch my sprinkler again, I will immediately smack you.

4. My front yard, although it is on the corner thus having a nice long area, is NOT your personal soccer field. Do not think that just because I am driving down my street and coming into my driveway, I cannot see you playing in my yard. I can also see your footprints in my flowerbed. I will smack you.

5. Upon me driving down my street and seeing you play soccer in MY yard, do NOT stop playing soccer and then STAND in my driveway in front of MY garage door. And DO NOT make an asshole teenage face at me when I honk my car horn at you. You SEE me pulling into my driveway. You are in MY driveway. Get out of it. Go away. Go home. Go to the park. Go somehwere other than MY yard and MY driveway.

6. If your soccer ball and/or basketball hits MY garage door (which is directly underneath my bedroom windown) again, I will smack you.

7. Please know that I have a glass front door. I can see you. I can see you playing soccer in my front yard. My dog can see you playing in my front yard. I don't like you. My dog doesn't like you.

8. You young teenage girls - please get shorts that completely cover your butt. I don't care if you are a size 2. I don't want to see your ass cheeks. The stupid boys on our street DO want to see your ass cheeks. But I have a secret for you - they just want to....well...let's just say they will probably get you pregnant and forget who you are. WEAR SOME CLOTHES!!!!

9. Same young teenage girls - while you are playing volleyball next door to me - stop singing BRITNEY SPEARS songs!! See #8. You are clearly headed on that path if she is your idol.

10. When the volleyball net possessing neighbors have their parties, it is NOT necessary to have each and every guest honk their car horn upon leaving....at 2am in the frickin morning. I will put nails in the street and flatten each and every person's car tires next time.

11. To summarize:
a. Most everyone is in danger of getting smacked/beaten/car tires flattened. Except for the nice people 2 doors down who I spoke with last week and have apparantly called the cops on parties prior to us moving in. We like them.
b. Dressing like the hoochie girls in my neighborhood - please cover your ass. I don't want to see your asscheeks anymore.
c. Please get rid of your farm animals. I live in the suburbs. Not frickin farm country.
d. Please remember that we live in Texas. Trespassing is illegal in every state (I am not a legal expert, but I'm just guessing) and Texas REALLY doesn't like it. I will beat you.

Kindest Regards,

Margaret Sally


Heather said...

Your neighbors seriously suck.

For the Love... said...

I have told you how to make this all better.....clean your gun in your front yard in your bathrobe with crazy hair.

Where I live I could just shoot the next ball that rolled into my yard....

Jenny said...


I shouldn't laugh but I can't help it.

My neighbors used to have peacocks. Ever hear peacocks? They scream like a woman getting murdered. It's a great thing to go to sleep to when you're 6 and afraid of the dark.

Anonymous said...

That crap would not go over well...here.

Rooster? Gah.

Anonymous said...

I would seriously set the sprinklers to go off at 4am. On their windows. Either that, or shit on their front porch.

I can't believe those people!

Jessica said...

Wow, this only reinforces how much I love my elderly neighbors! You should move into my neighborhood!

Phoenix said...

I'm cracking up. When you find the rooster, take it to KFC. See how they like it then.

Gina said...

Oh god, that's bad.

AJsMom said...

You are now absolutely one of my FAVORITE people! You sound just like me talking about my loser neighbors. Where do these people come from? I say we line them all up in a row and smack every one of them -- HARD!

TxGambit said...

Sorry, we will stop hitting, kicking, throwing balls in your yard. *sigh*

Okay actually we are really bad about this..... and by we I mean the kids.

It sucks.

I like the idea of cleaning your gun in the front yard.... That could work. Or do like our neighbors do, don't answer the door, ever!

Anonymous said...

OH MY GOD! I thought my neighbors were bad. Until recently they used to play "Unchained Melody" on a loop at top volume, every Sunday morning beginning at like 8 or 9 am.

I second the gun/crazy hair idea. I used to live in Texas - we can't do that kind of fun stuff in California. Not legally, anyway....